• It has been a while since I have been here and I am not expecting many visits from old friends but I would still like to post a few things.  Some of you are on facebook with me and some are not. I sort of miss the ones who are not.  I did enjoy reading your thoughts on things but sometimes life gets in the way and I really felt for the longest time I had nothing to write about.  I felt that so many had lives that were betting and much more exciting then mine.  
• Then my younger brother died.  It was such a painful death.  Pancreatic cancer took him.  It was such a painful time for me.  I had not expected him to die first.  I honestly expected him to be the one burying me.  And his wife does not like most of his family she she did not even tell me when the funeral was.  I did not get to see him before he died but we talked on the phone and I had a wonderful conversation with him.  
• Our relationship was complicated.  I made some foolish mistakes when I was younger and so did he.  We did not talk for the longest time but as I got older I wanted to see him and talk to him more.  He felt the same way but his wife felt she married beneath her and did not want him socializing with the family.   

About a year before he died, she decided to divorce him.  She was in the process of completing it when he received the diagnosis and she made it very plain that she was with him simply because she had a better insurance and it would cover him since he was her spouse.  The day he died, she moved the guy she had been living with into their home.  Her daughters are furious and they do not speak to her so I guess she will discover that life may not be that great without my brother.

I am just glad for the time I had with him.  I have some pictures but do not have them scanned yet so it may be some time before I post them. 

Loner

I was visiting Crystal Jigsaws blog when she mentioned she was a loner.   I thought of how much we are alike even though we don't know each other.  Parts of her life are different then mine but there is a lot we share.

I was raised in a foster home.  I had a great foster family but I was always 'that girl Mrs. North raised.'  Sometimes, I think she was the only one who saw me as her daughter and not 'that girl'.  I had a great family but I always felt like I was the little kid, standing outside the window of home where a family lived.  I watched all the did, but I knew I could never be a part of it.

When I was in high school, I was the one who sat in the back of the room and just tried to melt into the wall.  I liked school but I never felt part of any group.  I had a few friends but preferred just walking my dog or reading my favorite book.

Married, I never felt part of my husband family.  When the others all had kids and I did not, I felt like I was again, outside that window, watching a family and not being a part of it.  I envied my inlaws because they were part of a family and I was not.  (my mother in law loves me dearly and was shocked when I talked to her about this one time.  She said she always loved me like a daughter)

But I am a loner.  I am happy being alone most of the time.  I have friends and I do see them but I am not the party going type.  I go to things and have fun but I want to leave when I am ready so I can get back to my hobbies and just my alone time.  I like it.

It does not bother me that I live out in the country with my animals. People will say, you have a lovely place but I could never stand living out here.  It is too quiet and lonely.  I am not lonely.  There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

Voices

My life has been one big rollar coaster ride.  It was up Sunday when we all met where my youngest works and had dinner.  We had a fun time laughing and joking and everything was going great.

I did notice when my daughter was here she was talking to the voices in her head more.  I asked why and she said they would not shut up and they were telling her to do things. Her meds are supposed to control it but appartently they were not.   She called early Monday morning and asked if God would forgive her if she killed herself.   I did not know what to say  because it worried me so much.  I told her I think God takes each case individually to judge but I would hope she would not do such a thing.  She said she would not do it.  No matter. I called crisis and told them where she lived and gave them her number.

They called back and said they did not think she was suicidal.  They said she did not seem to have a plan.   She has had plans before and I thought about the things she seemed to be giving away to her friends.  I was not satisified and when my daughter did not call me back I called her friends.  Sometimes a mother just knows when her kids are not being honest with everyone. I called someone I knew she trusted and talked to him.  He went to where she is living and took her to IOP.  It is an outpatient place for drug users. She did not have drugs but she had overdosed on her meds and it was a good thing he took her.  They rushed her to the hospital.

She has tried several times to kill herself because the voices tell her to do it and when her meds are not working, they just do not let her rest or think. Someone has always intervened.  Either myself or my husand, in most cases.  A few times a friend has stopped her.  I keep thinking how awful it must be that there are voices in your head telling you that people hate you and they want you dead and you need to die.  Kill yourself over and over....it must be horrendous at times.

My heart aches for her but there is little I can do.  We just wait.  I know that some day I will get a call telling me it is too late.  But until then, I will do all I can to stop her from doing it.  My husband has been so strong and understanding cause his aunt was like this and no matter what, she finally ended her life by jumping from a bridge.  He knows what mental illness is like and how it affects a family.

I have had people tell me not to worry about her.  They say she is thirty years old and you need to have a life of your own.  How does one stop worrying in a case like this?  If I turn my back on her I would never forgive myself if she actually died because I did not take the time to talk to her and they and help her what little I can do in this case.

I pray.  Bill also prays constantly for her.  I will always worry about her.

I went into one of my crying jags today. Not a sad one but when where I think I was just so overwhelmed with everyone else's problems I just could not go without crying.  My mother in law is having a rough time and that hurts me.  My husband is worn out trying to take care of her and things around here then he is working.  He is just ready to collapse and they have not come to a decision on what to do with their mother.  I think that if he would just tell them to take over for awhile they might come to that decision sooner.

We did go down to see our eldest and she is doing well at the center but they are moving her to a halfway house next week.  It will be closer and she will be able to visit on weekends so that is good news but we are also worried she may slip back with some of her old friends and it will start all over again.  I think she will make it though. 

My Youngest called this morning and said she may have to move back in with us and she is more then welcome. Her about to be ex is making her life a living hell and she thinks it would be best if she moved back home when her lease is up in May. I think it is just a six month lease. She may move back in sooner if she can break the lease.  She is thinking of giving us temporary guardianship of alix while she is in school but there will be a custody hearing first.  We are hoping that goes in her favor.   He is showing up at her job raising cain and yelling and following her where she goes, threatening to take Alix out of state and all that.  Just really making life miserable.

I am so upset over being duped by him. I thought the sun rose and set on his shoulders while he lived here. Now, I am not sure I even trust him to see my daughter alone in her house.  He has broke in there twice and she is afraid of him.  I wanted her to come down here tonight but she had to be at work earlier in the morning.

But the cry did me good. I feel much better.  I often do.  It is like a cleansing of sorts.  It seems that way to me, anyway.  I am now looking for a better day to spend with my grand.  If is is sleeting and freezing out tomorrow, we will bake some cookies.  She is quite the little cook. *s*  I have some peanut butter cookies she can bake for her mommie.