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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

An abyss

An abyss is ) A bottomless or unfathomed depth, gulf, or chasm; hence, any deep, immeasurable, and, specifically, hell, or the bottomless pit.

My daughter says that is what she feels like most of her life and I do believe it is true. We have done all we can to prevent this but as she told me last night, Sometimes love is not enough.

My daughter has several problems. She has severe depression. She is bi polar and has schizophrenic tendencies. She is a cutter. She 27 and feels her life is over. She is also bi sexual and I think that adds to her sadness and confusion about life.

I do not understand being bi but I have told her I would love her no matter who her sexual partner is. That is waht parents do, don't they? They love their adult children no matter what. God loves us and accepts us. He is not always happy with us but he loves us. How could I not love my child? I am not happy with that choice but I will always love her.

I wish she were a happy person but she is not. She is so sad and miserable.

And the cutting...I do not understand that at all. I never will. I had to call the police last night and have an ambulance take her to the hospital because her arms were so badly cut by her.
She wanted to die. This is not the first time this has happened.

I fear that some day I am going to get a phone call that she is dead from her own hand. It scares me to no end. I keep praying that she can see the light and know that God loves her and wants her to be happy.

It has been a very sad two days for my husband and I.


  1. Thank you for visiting and leaving a comment.

    I'm sorry your daughter is in such pain. I have felt that abyss she talks about and often feel on the edge of falling in. I don't know that it's a cure-all by any stretch, but I have been taking GABA for almost a year (for anxiety) and feel much better. 5HTP also helps when I really feel the blues coming on. My daughter has also been taking these and been helped - previously she was on medication that made her a zombie and was very difficult to get off. The supplements appear to have no side effects so we feel "normal". My virtual DIL also takes GABA and has gotten off medication.
    I realize that your daughter's difficulties are probably much more serious than ours but it may just take a little thing to save her from herself. I can understand your worry - it is justified. My older son had a good friend who was depressed and a cutter who eventually managed to end her life. She was talented and beautiful yet could not be anything but sad. The best you can do is continue to love her and let her know with hugs and words - she probably knows it in her head but can't feel it in her heart without constant reassurance. She may respond to female love because women are better at connecting emotionally and she really needs that. I hope she makes it through and can find the joy in life. It's really not so bad when you aren't living in a shadow all the time.

  2. The poor kid has been dealt a difficult hand in this life. I hope she is able to get help and get sorted. Poor you too; it must break your heart to see her like this.

  3. I would like to thank both of you for your comments. It really helps to have people who care and understand.

  4. I am sorry for all the places your heart aches. You are not alone.

  5. I'll add your family to my prayers.