• It has been a while since I have been here and I am not expecting many visits from old friends but I would still like to post a few things.  Some of you are on facebook with me and some are not. I sort of miss the ones who are not.  I did enjoy reading your thoughts on things but sometimes life gets in the way and I really felt for the longest time I had nothing to write about.  I felt that so many had lives that were betting and much more exciting then mine.  
• Then my younger brother died.  It was such a painful death.  Pancreatic cancer took him.  It was such a painful time for me.  I had not expected him to die first.  I honestly expected him to be the one burying me.  And his wife does not like most of his family she she did not even tell me when the funeral was.  I did not get to see him before he died but we talked on the phone and I had a wonderful conversation with him.  
• Our relationship was complicated.  I made some foolish mistakes when I was younger and so did he.  We did not talk for the longest time but as I got older I wanted to see him and talk to him more.  He felt the same way but his wife felt she married beneath her and did not want him socializing with the family.   

About a year before he died, she decided to divorce him.  She was in the process of completing it when he received the diagnosis and she made it very plain that she was with him simply because she had a better insurance and it would cover him since he was her spouse.  The day he died, she moved the guy she had been living with into their home.  Her daughters are furious and they do not speak to her so I guess she will discover that life may not be that great without my brother.

I am just glad for the time I had with him.  I have some pictures but do not have them scanned yet so it may be some time before I post them. 

This has been one of the busiest months.  I have not had a lot of time to myself to sit and think or do the things I would like.  I have had the grand with me most of the time since mom has been working and studying for her finals.

But she is with her mom this week and will be spending the weekend with her other grandparents so I have several free days right now.

My flowers are doing great this year so I am posting some pictures of them.

We also go to see mom in law every other day.  Hubby goes every day and his brother goes every day.  His sister?  well, she could go more then what she does but that is another story.  There is one like that in every family, I think.  I just think she will regret it some day.  The other daughter in law has been extra good too.  We are still searching for an assisted living home to place her in when she is ready to go.  She will not be able to live on her own.

This morning hubby decided it was time to sand the room ceiling with the sander before he started painting. I was on the porch with my kindle when I heard the fire alarm go off.      We did not know that dust from the sander would set the fire alarm off and we ended up with the fire dept calling us to see what was going on.  We told them no fire.  At least they did not send the fire trucks like the did the day my daughter was cooking.

I will try and visit some of your blogs later today.  Hope all of you are doing well.

The decision that no one wanted to make.

It all started this Sunday.  My husband went up to see his mom in the morning.  He could not get in so he came back and got her keys (we had a spare set) to unlock her door.  She had fallen out of bed the night before and did not have the strength to get back up so she pulled her pillow off and slept all night on the floor.

I sent her dinner up as i often did.  She was fine but Hubby decided to go up after her meal and he was helping her with something.  She asked him to go into the other room to get something and while he was there, he heard her fall again.

Her broke her ankle severely.  This is not the first time she has broken her ankle.

As I stood there watching the ambulance leave, I wondered how much longer it would be before her children would have to decide to have her placed in an assisted living home.  She could not live by herself much longer and it was so sad to see such a vibrant strong woman fail the way she seemed to be failing lately.  But I was just her daughter in law and not one of her children.  I could not make the decision.  They would have to.

We could not find the youngest girl in the family because unbeknownst to us, she was off dealing with the death of someone in her family.  Yes, it was one of those days.

Now, anyone who thinks the decision to put a loved one in a home and thinks it is an easy decision to make, has never been faced with that decision.  It is not easy. It is one that will make you weep.  Even grown men like my husband, whom the family depends on for these matters, weeps.

I have heard people say, 'oh, they just put their loved ones in a home so they don't have to take care of them and won't get their checks.'  Not true. Not true at all for most people.

But, they have to do what is best for her and they have decided to have her placed in a home near us.  I am considering getting a volunteer job there and I can visit her and help out with other patients at the same time.  We shall see how that goes.

I know I will miss my friends long chats over coffee and such but she will be where she needs to be.  She will be safe.

The first picture above was taken on their 25th wedding anniversary and the last one was taken when Alix was born.

drainy day

I call it a drainy day cause it has been dreary and rainy all day.  A vast difference from the last week when we had record breaking temps in the 80's.

Looks like they have changed things here in bloggerland and I am not sure that I like it but only time will tell,

we took our dog to the vets the other day for his shots.  When we got him out of the car, we noticed blood on the blanket.  Turns out he cut his paw somehow.  We still do not know how.  We ended up having to have minor surgery on his paw and having five stitches put in.  He has it all wrapped and is enjoying being spoiled.  They have him on antibiotics and pain pills.  Good thing I was saving for a rainy day.  Vets are expensive but he is worth it.

Today we decided to go for a ride.  We drove out to some old farms we used to go pick berries on years ago and saw several places where old farmhouses once stood and Irisises and other flowers that I do not know the name of were growing.  We have decided to go out and get some of the plants tomorrow.  I love the old flowers.  

Then we stopped for an ice cream cone.  Yes it was cold and rainy but the ice cream tasted good.

Terrible prank to play............

Remember me saying my daughter called here crying cause her friend had died suddenly and we did not know why?    Well, I decided to go on facebook and when I did, I saw where several of his friends and relatives who are friends were all upset over it.  I contacted one of his cousins and he informed me that he had been on the phone and on facebook notifying friends and relatives (they have a very large family) that the young man did not die.  He got drunk and made the announcement as a joke.  He did it to get attention.  Well, he got it all right and it was not the type he wanted.  I really think he needs help.  I think he has issues.  His cousin said he did  something like this before but it was not on the computer and did not reach all the people that it did yesterday.  I think they need to get him some help. It could be a call for some real professional help that they are ignoring.  Or, maybe they are trying to help and he is just ignoring them.  I just hope he gets his life straightened out.

One of my facebook pals left this on my page this morning and I think it is one of the best things i have read in a long time.  The older I get, the more I realize how true some of this stuff is.  Life is not easy...no one ever said it would be and if I have chance to do something, I do it.  I no longer put it off.

Last night I went in for my sleep tests and I failed.  I knew I would. I had to be at the hospital at 3 in the morning as that is when I fall asleep and that is not normal.I got in there and I could not take the tests in the room they had me in so I had to wait til they prepared me for another room.  It was after four by the time they got me going.    I slept haphazardly then they got me up at ten to come home.

My daughter called.  She was distraught cause she got news her one friend died last night.  She was talking to him yesterday and it was quite a shock for her to get up and read on his facebook that he passed away last night or early this morning.  He was 27.  We do not know what happened but his mom died very young and his uncle had heart problems so we are waiting to see what happened.

Have a great day everyone.  I hope you are all having a good spring.

Happy Good Friday

Today is good friday but we celebrated Easter today because my youngest has to work on Easter and cannot be with her daughter and my grand will be spending Easter Sunday with he daddy and this will be the only time they can be here.  My eldest and her friend may come Sunday but I am not sure.  We did have some fun with her and I hope to post some pics here before the weekend is out.

We have had some lovely weather.  Cool compared to what we were having but more seasonal.  I know some of you have had snow but I hope that is out of the system by now.

Tomorrow I am going to be making home made Easter eggs for some in the family.  My girls both want them and I will make one for my mil  too.  The peanut butter kind.

Death penalty

I used to be a fence sitter where this topic was concerned but I have been watching a program called DEATH ROW.  While watching it, they had a shot of a man sitting at a window staring out at a bird flying in the sky.  He has such a look of longing on his face,  I started thinking of how awful it must be to see that blue sky, sunshine and birds and not be able to get out and feel the sunshine on your face or walk in the grass.  To not be able to do what you want when you want, not even eat a meal when you feel hungry must be horrible.  You can't watch tv when you want.  You cant go for a walk on or visit with a friend.  Nothing. It is all taken away.  That punishment for me would be so much worse then a quick death.

One of the guys is talking about dreaming about being home again and he wakes up in his cell and his hell starts all over again.  Sometimes, life is punishment enough.

Would I feel different if one of my loved ones were murdered??  I don't know....


If killing someone who was committed a murder would bring the victim back, I would be all for it.  But the death of someone will not bring the victim back.

And what if someone is killed and they find out the state killed an innocent man?  There is always a chance of that happening.

On my way out....no way

Some guy on tv just said 'at fifty you are on your way out'. I got news for that pipsqueak...I am way past fifty and not on my way out. I am enjoying my life. I have a few aches and pains but in no way am I 'on my way out.'


Well, let me tell you, I saw fifty years ago and I am not ready to close my door just yet.  I have done almost everything I have wanted to do in my life.  When I was growing up, all I wanted to do was be part of a family that i could call my own.  I wanted children.  I never planned my wedding or anything but I knew that I wanted to be a mother.  I wanted someone to love and care about me and take care of me if I needed it just as I would take care of him.  I never wanted a lot.  I wanted simple things.  I got the man I dreamed of.  I kissed alot of frogs before he came along but he did come along.  I was told i would not have children but I decided someone else would have them and I would raise them.  So I became a mother in every way but giving birth.


I went through all the dramas that comes with raising kids.  And I have known the joys of being a grandmother.  I have a few aches pains and have had some bumps along the way but I still have some things i would like  to do.


I have many projects in the fire that I would like to finish.  I have places that I would like to see many things.  I have friends I would love to see one more time.  I would like to attend my grand daughters plays and whatever at school and perhaps attend her graduation some day.  Her wedding?  That might be iffy but it would be nice to   see her get married if I am still around.


Yes, there are times I get down.  Especially when another loved one dies and I know I will not see them in this lifetime.  That is to be expected.  But, contrary to what this man says, life does not end at fifty.  We are not on our way out.  In some ways, the best part of our lives is beginning.

It is after midnight again..

I don't know if I ever told anyone but I am on the cpap machine plus oxygen for sleep apnea.  To top that off I have never slept at night like I should.  I have been a night owl all my life.  My husband and I adjusted our life because he had to work many night shifts when he worked and now with are both night owls.  I was told that i have to take my sleep test again.  That is fine but their sleep tests always start at ten at night and I am never asleep til about three.

My friend who lives in Fla. said they did her hubby's test at home with monitors so my dr. is going to see if they will do mine that way.  Wish me luck.  I would really prefer it done at home.

kindle vs. books

My husband told me several months ago that I should get a kindle.  I fought it til about Nov of last year.  He said then, "You better get a kindlefire.  I said no.  I may not like it so I got one of the cheaper versions.  I liked it so well, I am going to follow his advice and get the Kindle Fire this weekend and give my daughter mine.  She needs one because it would make her life simpler if she could just get her library books from the college put on her kindle and not carry them around.

My main reason for switching over to the kindle fire is because the screen lights up.  I do not have to have a light on it to see what I am doing and if you have bifocals, you know how the glare from a light on a screen can irritate you.  Plus, I can get a lot more books and do not have to buy them.  I can use the amazon library if I have the fire and have an amazon prime club card, which I do.

I am donating all my books to the goodwill store to sell.  All but my cookbooks with written recipes in them. (did you know years ago the older people spelled recipes as receipts?  I just found that out. I thought my mom spelled it wrong but that is how they spelled it years ago.  The 't' was silent.)  But I am keeping them and all my bibles and devotionals.

I still like books but I find the kindle so much more convenient.  I can just toss it into my purse and go. I could do that with books too but it was bulky.  I think there is something good to say about both of them and I don't care what people use, as long as they are enjoying themselves by getting lost in a good story that keeps their mind from getting stagnant.  Happy reading to all who enjoy it.

Feeling mighty fine

Yes, I am feeling fine today.  I turned 65, an age I thought i would never see cause it is so OLD, ya' know.  I am finally realizing what the saying, 'you are only as old as you feel' means.  Mentally, I am great.  But there are days when I feel like I am 20 and other days where I feel like I am a hundred.  Today is one of those days where I feel great because my husband made me feel great.  I can look in the mirror and see all that is wrong with me and give a thousand reasons why he should not love me but he does.

I know this because he took me to see THE HUNGER GAMES.  I read the book and loved it and I did not think he would like seeing so I suggested another movie and he said, you want to see THE HUNGER GAMES  so we are going to see  it.  I loved the book and I loved the movie. It does not often happen that way.  The movie always leaves things out but they didn't do it this time.  Great movie.

We decided to shop for some fruit trees today.  I will probably be dead before we will get any fruit from them but maybe not.  I am working on baby afghans for friends this summer.  We have several church members who are having babies and I want to make a baby quilt for my pastors wife and him as well as some afghans for the others.

We also picked out colors for out kitchen, living room,  2bedrooms and one bath to paint this summer.  I am doing them all in pastel colors. BRighten the place up some.

Have a good night and I will visit you all tomorrow.

Rumors

Last night i was laying in bed thinking about stuff when some of the rumors about various people started floating around in my brain that way things often do before I fall off to sleep.  Most of these rumors are not true or if there is any truth to them, it is very little.  Why do people start rumors?

Is it because their lives are so empty they have to make up stuff about others to get the attention they so desperately want?  Rumors are often painful but sometimes they are so ridiculous that they are funny.

When I left home at 19, it was to join the job corp and I was sent to Excelsior Springs Missouri.  Once I got out there I decided it was not want I wanted and quit then got a job working at  a nursing home. I was out there for little over a year when i came back home to stay.  A day after returning, I walked into the grocery store (it was in a very small town). The lady, whom I had known most of my life smiled.  "How are the twins?" she asked.
I looked around to see who she was talking to.   No one was there.  "What twins?"
She looked flustered.  "I heard you had a set of twins after you left home."
I didn't know whether to feel honored or insulted.  When most girls left our town suddenly, without telling everyone exactly where they were going, they had one baby.  I apparently had two that I did not know about.

That was one of the funny ones. Most are not funny.  They  hurt people.  I have been the brunt of rumors that hurt very badly.  Not lately but not so long ago that I have forgotten how it makes one feel when untrue rumors get around.  I wish people would stop and think before repeating things that may be untrue.  But maybe it is just part of human nature to spread a nice piece of juicy gossip around.  I have learned to stop and think when certain people tell me things. I wait it out to see if there is any proof to what is said and if not, I forget it.

Well the sun is shining and it is warm out.  Alix is waiting to take me for a walk.  I hope you all have a nice day.

Memories

I had someone tell me that those with alzheimer's are lucky in a way because they are in their own little world.  I looked at him and thought he was nuts and I told him so.  It has to be horrible to look at your children and not know who they are.  Not to mention the loved ones.  I know what it is like to have my mother look at me with a look of confusion and asked, "Who are you?"  It hurt.  One day I walked into her room and she smiled and hugged me.  I thought she knew me but she looked at me and said, "Did you stop and visit your mother today?  How is she?"  I realized she had no clue who I was.  What would I do if I could not remember my kids or my family and the good memories?  To me, that would be worse then dying.  It would be just existing and I would never want that.

A week before my brother died, I called and talked to him for awhile and when I started to feel down, he started to cheer me up by talking and laughing over some of the things we did when we were kids.  I realized what he was doing.  He did want me feeling bad so he wanted me to remember the good times.  The last thing he said to me was, 'I love you, Darlene.'  That is one memory I will cherish and smile about.

Memories are like blankets that cover us and comfort us when we are sad.  We can choose what to remember and I chose to remember all the fun times we had.  I choose to not to remember the bad things that happened in my life.

Another day in Paradise

We have had such wonderful weather here.  It has been in the seventies and could go up to almost 80 this week.  I am afraid that we will have this wonderful warm spell and the trees will be in blossom when a cold snap hits us.  It has done that before.

We are resting up today after having a wonderful time at a party for my little nephew.  He just turned five and they have such wonderful little parties for their kids.  Our family is so proud of this nephew and his parents.  We are really his great aunt and uncle.  He and his sister are such sweeties.  I will try and share some pictures with you.

I have been doing so much thinking lately.  Brooding and remembering is more like it but I think that is all part of the grieving process.  My brother would scold me for being down right now.  The last time I called him, I tried to console him and he ended up consoling me and making me laugh,  He would start with the remember this time or that, when I wanted to cry so I laughed instead.  But he was like that.  The class clown, so to speak.

These are some pictures of Derrick's party....he told his mom he wanted  cupcakes cause he wanted more icing then cake.

I think I may be getting political...

I do not think much of any of the candidates out there right now.  I do not think any of them can beat Obama and I want someone that can do that and make me feel good about things.  I want to get the feeling that things in the middle east will get back to the way it was before we sent troops over there.  I did not like bush sending them over there and I do not like Obama keeping them there with all the mistakes they have been making lately.  I to do like the price of oil skyrocketing the way it has and I think our policies for over there are having alot to do with it.  I am not sure what we can do to stop it but throw out the whole mess and start over. If that were only possible.

I know I was disgusted enough to go independent and I guess I can get off this rant right now.

I am back....

Yesterday started great. I was having so much fun when hubby took me out to dinner.  We drove around for quite some time before stopping at one of our favorite steak houses  where we had a delicious steak and salad.  I am home and was on top of the world when I got the call that my brother was gone.  He had passed away earlier in the day.

It hit me hard but he is in a better place.  He had suffered so badly with that awful disease.  I started to feel bad about being cowardly about going to to Detroit to see him but I wanted to remember him as I knew him and we did talk on the phone and exchange letters.  His mom understood. That is all that is important to me. His mom, whom I love dearly, understood.  So did he.  The last time we talked we laughed about some things we did when we were children.  He thanked me for the letters and cards i sent.

They will be having a memorial out there for him and I will not attend but i will attend the one they have back here in Pa.  Some of you may not understand but I do not go to many funerals.  I do not want one of my own. I only want a memorial where my pastor and a few others might say some things about me and that is that.

My husband refused to let me sit around the house and feel sorry today so he took me out to dinner again and we stopped to buy some furniture we have been thinking of getting for the house.  I ordered a dinette set, a loveseat and a recliner for him.

I contacted my friends and they are going to go to the memorial for my brother with me.  I hate to say it but we may make it sorta like a party cause that is how he was.  He loved a good laugh and a party.  By the time we have it, we may feel like doing that.

I kept trying to call my brother's house in Michigan to get an update on how he is doing  but no one would answer the phone.  I thought they might be out or something but did not think much more of it until our friend called and told me she could get through and she had been trying for two days. (she is another girl who was raised by my foster mom)  I tried to contact everyone I knew and finally got a cousin.  She told me that Byrum was at home but they turned the phones off and his wife will not give out her cell phone.  Apparently the calls were upsetting him and I can see her point but I wished she would have called me to talk to me about what was going on.

But you know, I always felt out of the loop.  The only people who ever included me in anything was my foster sister, Shirley, who is in a home herself, dying of cancer.  And Byrum.  He always thought of me and let me know how things are going.  He is unable to call me now but I will send letters and leave a message on his phone.  They may let him listen to it.  I hope so.

I don't know his wife well. I only met her a few times. I do know she thinks she married beneath her.  She was in the process of divorcing him because he was too much of a country bumpkin and not up to the standards she was accustomed too.  She said he would not grow with her so she had to leave him.  Well, she stopped all proceedings when he got sick and moved back in so her insurance will take care of his medical bills.

oh, I know. I am venting again.  I should not do that but this one of the ways I can get my frustrations out.   But we just lost a friend who died of a heart attack and I am about to lose two people I love so I guess I am entitled to vent a little.  *s*

Good night.

I will be working on this blog for a few days so excuse the way it looks right now.  Too tired to finish it now.

I keep looking at this blog and thinking this is something that I have to change.  I will do that some time soon.

Hubby decided that I needed to get out with some friends tonight and that is what I did.  I needed to laugh and have some fun for a bit and that sure helped with my depressed mood.  He says we are going somewhere this Sunday but will not tell me where.  We are also going to a Sweethearts dinner at our church Friday.  We have missed all the other ones they had because of his work but we said before he retired we would not pass up such things once he retired.

I love my kindle but just saw the Kindle fire which is a step above mine and if I need or want another one, I will get that one.  It is so cool.

I will visit your blogs tomorrow.

Bad news will not stop.,....

The other day I was feeling good and wondering what would happen to bring me down again,  My sugar was brought down and my bp so I was feeling optimistic.  But I kept thinking the ball was going to fall  and hit me square  on the  head again,

Two days ago, my best friend called to tell me her husband died.  He was  sweet guy and I felt bad for her and for us but not for John cause John had been suffering for some  time.  It was his time to go.  I will miss him though.

But today my foster sister who has been suffering from colon cancer called to tell me her son, who was raised with me by my foster mom, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and is in hospice care now.  He is not expected to make it and I know that if Byrum dies, his mom will not be far behind him.  I will lose two loved ones within a very short time.  This news has devastated me.  We were raised together from the time he was three and I was nine until  we were adults.  I am close to both of them.

I don't know  what to say about it.  I feel like I am in a fog of some sort.  I don;t know what to do.  Keep praying, I guess.  But do I pray for him to live or pray for him to just be pain free and go peacefully?  I guess just asking God to do His will, and pray for the best for him and his family.