My life has been one big rollar coaster ride. It was up Sunday when we all met where my youngest works and had dinner. We had a fun time laughing and joking and everything was going great.
I did notice when my daughter was here she was talking to the voices in her head more. I asked why and she said they would not shut up and they were telling her to do things. Her meds are supposed to control it but appartently they were not. She called early Monday morning and asked if God would forgive her if she killed herself. I did not know what to say because it worried me so much. I told her I think God takes each case individually to judge but I would hope she would not do such a thing. She said she would not do it. No matter. I called crisis and told them where she lived and gave them her number.
They called back and said they did not think she was suicidal. They said she did not seem to have a plan. She has had plans before and I thought about the things she seemed to be giving away to her friends. I was not satisified and when my daughter did not call me back I called her friends. Sometimes a mother just knows when her kids are not being honest with everyone. I called someone I knew she trusted and talked to him. He went to where she is living and took her to IOP. It is an outpatient place for drug users. She did not have drugs but she had overdosed on her meds and it was a good thing he took her. They rushed her to the hospital.
She has tried several times to kill herself because the voices tell her to do it and when her meds are not working, they just do not let her rest or think. Someone has always intervened. Either myself or my husand, in most cases. A few times a friend has stopped her. I keep thinking how awful it must be that there are voices in your head telling you that people hate you and they want you dead and you need to die. Kill yourself over and over....it must be horrendous at times.
My heart aches for her but there is little I can do. We just wait. I know that some day I will get a call telling me it is too late. But until then, I will do all I can to stop her from doing it. My husband has been so strong and understanding cause his aunt was like this and no matter what, she finally ended her life by jumping from a bridge. He knows what mental illness is like and how it affects a family.
I have had people tell me not to worry about her. They say she is thirty years old and you need to have a life of your own. How does one stop worrying in a case like this? If I turn my back on her I would never forgive myself if she actually died because I did not take the time to talk to her and they and help her what little I can do in this case.
I pray. Bill also prays constantly for her. I will always worry about her.